If only Sheryl Sandberg was here to give a guest post on this one, y’all, because today I want to talk about crying at work.
The idea for this post came about three weeks ago when—you guessed it—I cried at work. I was sleep deprived, it was right before lunch so my blood sugar was low, and I was on the tenth version of a project that had no clear end in site, yet the deadline was just hours away. My coworker was giving feedback like normal—but I could tell frustrations were high and the edits were not being clearly explained. Then I misinterpreted criticism of the print piece at hand as a personal attack, and I lost my sh!t. Like, excuse-myself-from-the-meeting-and-go-ugly-cry-in-the-bathroom lost my sh!t.
Luckily, only my two coworkers in the meeting saw my meltdown, though it was still embarrassing none-the-less. And it got me thinking: is it ok to cry at work? (Spoiler alert: I don’t have a clear answer.)
///
The aforementioned scenario was not the first time I have cried at work. At my first internship, I was 19 years old and found myself in a Devil Wears Prada situation. I was working for an e-commerce start up, and that meant the work was piled high and we were understaffed. There were definitely unrealistic expectations about what we could accomplish in an eight-hour workday, so even though I was working harder than I ever had in my life, I was still spoken to often like I was constantly failing. My first big assignment on the job was taking over all the shipping from the Memorial Day Sale. We were primarily selling swimsuits, so as you can imagine, the volume of packages to ship was huge. And in order to get everything to customers on-time, we had to meet a 5pm shipping deadline. My coworker who usually managed this process left town for the holiday weekend, and so I, the intern, was left in charge of this large, important endeavor.
While I met my shipping deadline and left Friday evening feeling elated that I had conquered the task at hand, things went south very quickly on Tuesday morning. In my haste, I had accidentally shipped some of our packages to the billing address and not the shipping address. This made for some pretty angry customers, and a very angry boss. Over the next few hours, we discovered a few more errors, which only made matters worse. Yet, that day’s shipping had to continue, and now my confidence was down and my boss didn’t trust me. We were packaging up the orders as she continued to say disparaging things to me, and I started sobbing. Sobbing.
My coworker who had been on vacation was much more understanding and felt guilty for leaving me with such a large task. Later that night, as I was leaving work, defeated, she stopped me in the parking lot to tell me that in that scenario at work, it was only natural to cry since our boss had been so cruel. She told me that it was good for our boss to see the effect her words had on other people, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about crying at work that day.
///
I managed to get through my subsequent two summers of internships without a single tear, and made it through nearly two years of work at my current job before another crying incident. Early last summer, I was not really in the best emotional space in my personal life, and had started to feel the stress of working and going to grad school at the same time. There were several weeks when work and school functions overlapped, and I chose school more often than not. I personally was feeling guilty about my decision, and knew in my heart of hearts I wasn’t giving 100% at work—mostly because I don’t think I had 100% to give at that time.
My boss and I were having a private meeting in a breakout room at work, and she said something that made me realize she too had picked up on my recent struggles. Already feeling defeated, I started to cry, but was able to rapidly pull myself back together and apologize for the tears. My boss is really empathetic, and told me she would rather me be in tears crying over work because it shows that I care so much than to be a robot who doesn’t care at all.
///
Despite these examples above, I don’t consider myself an overly emotional person. Sure, I cry at videos of soldiers coming home to surprise their families, but a rude email or general stress in the workplace don’t usually set off the waterworks for me. I definitely think it would not be okay to cry at work everyday or even fairly regularly, but I think sometimes you just cant help but to cry—it is a natural way to relieve stress—and I’ve been lucky that every time I have cried at work, the people around me are very understanding and supportive.
I think one of the reasons there still is a taboo around crying at work is that showing that much emotion can be coded as weak in our society, and as women, we are already perceived as weaker than men by some, so you could argue crying further eliminates some of women’s power and agency in the workplace. Additionally, I’d argue women are more likely to cry at work than men, so that adds another layer of complexity when considering tears.
But enough of my thoughts—I’d love to know if you think it’s okay to cry at work and if you’ve ever cried while on the clock?
LOVE this post! I think it’s totally normal/ human to cry at work if the situation is intense enough. I cried about a month ago to my boss because I felt like I was completely failing at my job. I ran to a conference room and she followed, we talked it through and I felt 150% better. At the end of the day it was a miscommunication with my team of expectations that was making me feel that way (communication is everything!) I totally agree with you that it does show that you love your job and care. I’m pretty sure all of my girlfriends have cried one time or another at work so we are not alone 🙂
xx Tess | Sequins are the New Black
Thanks so much Tess! I am glad that we both have similar experiences. It seems like everyone has a story, the key is just to not make it a regular thing!
I have cried at work SO many times. I’ve cried on the bus, I’ve cried at metro, I’ve cried in Kate Spade. I think that generally people understand that we all have our bad days and for some of us it’s harder to hide. (I hope!) I balance it out by trying to be CheerBear(oline) most of the time.
Aw! It definitely can be hard to hide. Hope you have a good support system at work! xo
This is such a great post! I’ve often wondered if it’s ok to cry at work but clearly I don’t care that much as I’ve cried several times haha! Like you, I just felt so much pressure and wondering how I was going to get all my work done. I will say, it’s never been in front of coworkers – which I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I hold it until I reach the bathroom lol Overall though, I feel like if one has to cry, do it! You’ll feel better afterwards and it’s not healthy to keep stress and frustrations bottled up.
Alissa
http://www.naturallymeblog.com/
I am glad you liked the post! I think holding it in until you’re in the bathroom is a great thing! You can relieve the tension and then head back to your desk and the boss bitch that you are! xo
I’ll be preface this by saying I’m a total crier and over emotional but I think more often than not, its not appropriate to cry at work. And it’s even less appropriate to cry in front of a boss or someone other than a peer. I think most of the times we cry at work it stems from frustration or stress (which are totally valid feelings that need to be resolved!) but I think there are more effective and productive ways to communicate those feelings to your manager.
That being said, I appreciate when people show emotion (through tears or something else) to humanize situations. I think too often we get so wrapped into our day to day and become robots (esp in DC!) that we forget about the big picture of life. I had an AVP who during a really tough staff meeting (talking about cutting budgets and layoffs) fought back tears. I appreciated her balance of delivering hard news and leading a hard conversation while also communicating though her emotional leadership that we’re all allowed to be upset by this.
I really loved this post, Katie! Thanks for getting me thinking this morning 🙂
xoxoxo
Nicole
Oh! And please, please, don’t cry to your managee! I’ve had that happen a few times and it.is.so.awkward. And don’t be the girl that cries all the time. Cash in your cry chips wisely!
I agree about WHO you cry in front of is worth discussing, and could not agree more about a boss crying to an inferior. Unless someone has died, that definitely is not appropriate at all! Definitely cash your cry chips in wisely!
This is such a well written post Katie, and so relatable!! I have found myself in similar situations before. For me, having a male boss I feel like I have to reign in my emotions even more. So that’s another aspect of what you mentioned. But I agree, we’re all human and we all have emotions. Sometimes it’s just part of us and we can’t help but shed a tear. It’s SO hard to stop once you start, ha! But it makes things easier knowing that many others have gone through this as well!
Thanks for opening up and sharing!! Xo
Kristyn
Thanks Kristyn! Completely agree that who you cry in front of us important! Most of the people I’ve cried in front of have been women, but recently, I cried in front of men. I definitely think I have to reign in my emotions more in those situations, but this most recent time, just lost it. XOXO
You are totally not alone, Katie! I have found myself in similar situations where I am either overwhelmed at work or I find that my personal life and professional life both just have too much going on; I have found it extremely hard to hold in tears! It is too bad that we are so fearful of being judged for this as amazing, strong, professional women, just because emotion in the workplace has somewhat of a taboo. I think times are definitely changing though and not acting like a robot, building relationships with people, and occasionally showing real emotion can help you rather than hurt you!
It seems like everyone has a story, which is so reassuring! Definitely agree about showing real emotion sometimes — especially since work is the place we spend the most time!
I’ve definitely cried in the bathroom at work more than once, and my car on the commute home has seen more than it’s fair share of tears. I think it is definitely okay – we are all human, after all! Thanks for the really interesting post.
Thanks for your comment – glad we all have similar stories! I’ve definitely cried about work on the way home, too! Seems like it is only natural.